Cannibal Chili...er, I mean, chicken. Chicken Chili. Yeah.

Crock pot meals are a wintertime staple for me, but winter is on its way out, so I'm cramming all the crock pot meals I can into a really short time frame.  This week I decided to make chili using the rest of my quinoa, some chicken breasts, a pretty orange bell pepper, some cans of black beans and corn, and a smorgasbord of spices.

That was the easy part.  You can find the recipe here.

Due to a clerical error on the part of an absolute imbecile at a Verizon kiosk that you can read about here, all photographic evidence of this kitchen adventure --not to mention all photographic evidence from the last 3.5 weeks from the rest of my life--was utterly and completely erased.  But, because I am committed to you readers and I am at least somewhat of a glutton for punishment, I decided to go through with the blog anyway and just...I dunno...illustrate it myself.

That's right, illustrate it myself.

This is the part where I need you to put on your "deciphering bad art" cap (I've made it easier by labeling the drawings) and double-down on your dose of forgiveness for my lack of skill while I lead you gracelessly through this meal.

Ready?  Allons-y!

First things first: rinse the quinoa.  Quinoa must be rinsed to rid it of its bitter "jacket;" I rinsed mine in cool water, swishing it with my fingers a little bit, for a few minutes.

This is what that looks like. 

I then chopped some onions and garlic using my favorite chef's knife and the onion goggles my mom gave me.

They've got foam surrounds to keep me from crying--miracle workers!  And apparently I cook in medical scrubs...

The quinoa and the onion and garlic went straight into the crock pot, along with a can of crushed tomatoes (who knew crushed tomatoes are really just thick tomato sauce?), a can of diced Rotel tomatoes with green chiles, a can of black beans, a can of corn (drained), two raw chicken breasts, and a pinch of chili powder, crushed red peppers, and cumin.

The ingredient you can't see is the finely minced Verizon rep I will sprinkle  liberally upon everything I eat, forever.  Also you can't see the chicken, because, let's be honest, who really wants to see my rendition of raw chicken? 

Everything is now in the crock pot.  I cook it on low for 5-7 hours, really depending on how big your breasts are.  (Chicken breasts, guys...jeez, pervy crowd)

After about 5.5 hours I pulled out the chicken, shredded it with two forks, put it back in the crock pot and changed the setting from "low" to "keep warm."

I served it in an adorable mug with sour cream and shredded cheese.

Finished product.  Huh, I draw better than I thought...jokes!  I sent this picture to M just before the Verizon debacle of '13, who sent it back to me expressly for your viewing pleasure. 

The next time I make this, I'll definitely make some changes:

1. Fewer tomatoes; maybe use the crushed tomatoes and cut out the Rotel entirely, or vice versa.  Cutting out the Rotel would result in a less Southwestern flavor, but cutting out the crushed tomatoes would make a really thick stew.
2. More black beans; I used one can because the recipe called for enough ingredients for a 6 qt slow cooker and mine is only 4 qt, but next time I want it beanier and less tomato-y.  
3. More chunks of Verizon rep, and bigger.  I didn't taste enough of his pain and suffering in exchange for my pain and suffering.  

Tune in next time for something delicious but, let's face it, probably weird looking.  Hey, we're good at what we do!  

QUIZ: chenopod or karate sound effect?

So the nerd in me likes to (push her glasses up on the bridge of her nose and) learn about the origin of the food she's eating.

• Did you know eggplants, avocados, and tomatoes are classified botanically as berries?  
• Did you know that coconut water can be used as an emergency substitute for blood plasma?
• Did you know that quinoa (keen-WAH) is, in fact, a semi-grain (also known as a chenopod) and NOT a karate noise? 

"KeenWAH!!!"  Ok, so maybe it's both. 

Now that you're dazzled by my astonishing raw data and that adorable image is seared in your brain, let's move on to the real reason you're all here: a kickass new recipe (karate pun?  No?  Ok.) 

The ingredient du jour?  Quinoa!  I hadn't cooked quinoa before I tried this recipe, but I cook in my Crock pot quite often, and this week I let those two kitchen kids hold hands on the counter for a few hours while mommy got drunk.  The recipe: Roasted Red Pepper Quinoa Chili

Disclaimer: as M said, we take after our mother when we follow a recipe...in that we DON'T.  I mean, at least we come by it honest... 

This recipe uses a Dutch oven...which I don't have.  So, I used my Crock pot instead; I even googled "tips for converting Dutch oven recipes to a Crock pot," and there is a surprising amount of data returned for that search. In the end, I determined that every 30 minutes in a Dutch oven on medium-high heat is equal to about an hour in the Crock pot, and I set out to quonquer some quinoa (see what I did there?  No?  Ok.) 

I started by roasting a couple of red bell peppers and serrano peppers.  I'd never roasted peppers before, but it's SO easy and it made my house smell SO Mediterranean and festive.  After replacing the words "Dutch oven" with "Crock pot" throughout the entire recipe, I decided to sautée the chopped zucchini, onions, and garlic in the Crock pot.  Caveat: even on high, folks, the Crock pot does not reach high enough temperatures to heat oil to sauté chopped veggies.  You have been warned.  

Still, the rest of the recipe went off without a hitch: the veggies (sautéed elsewhere) mixed with the roasted peppers in the Crock pot, plus some kidney beans and some quinoa (well rinsed, otherwise it can taste soapy or bitter), plus cumin, chili powder (which I didn't have so I replaced it in equal measure with cayenne pepper, which I have been sweating out of my system for the past few meals), and some good ole S&P made this aromatic mixture bubble up in the pot in no time. 

And then some time. 

And then what felt like a LOT of time. 

When cooking quinoa, you know it's done when the germ curls out of the seed like a wee fern.  When cooking quinoa in a Dutch oven, this process (according to the recipe) will take place in about 20 minutes. 

In a Crock pot, this process took almost 2 hours.  

Not a big deal; it's a slow cooker, it was up front about that from the get-go in this relationship; still, I was thrown for a loop because I wanted chili and I wanted it NOW.  

In the end, though, I got a heaping pot full of delicious vegetarian chili, which I ate by itself, on salads, with pasta, over rice, and my personal favorite, with a big ole slab of vegetarian STEAK.

Now, go forth and eat!